I was talking some time ago with a psychologist friend about how she was working more and more with couples or individuals who were going through the end of their marriage or were close to divorce. In the end, I realized that the main reasons that lead people to divorce are basically three and they are all issues related to Sex, Money, and Family. All issues that are mixed into a gigantic problem that destroys even the most loving couples.
Now I fully understand my friend’s words and the situations she described. I cannot talk about family problems because every family is made differently, but money is the same for everyone. So is our reproductive system.
Managing the family budget is something delicate. Two people, with two different spending predispositions, come together wanting to start a family. These same people will have to profitably manage the money they themselves bring home.
The point is all about “managing profitably.”
A person may be more predisposed to saving or to squandering. Going from the extreme of saving every penny to the other extreme of spending it all to the point of being left with bank account in deep red at the end of the month.
The issue of having a couple formed by the two extremes in the long run goes to create enormous tensions. As always, virtue lies in the middle, but the propensity to save is an innate quality and a behavior taught by parents.
In addition to how to spend money on everyday things, then go the choices and discussions for the long-term expenses that are considered important, namely house, car, and investments.
Things like changing the car every 2 or 3 years, looking for a beach house or deciding where to take the darn vacations.
Money is often an issue in every family, especially if one or more children are also involved. Making ends meet is crucial, as is ensuring an adequate amount in the children’s future. If you want them to be educated in the right private school, you will need to have the right amount in the account.
Saving something is always important; making your wife or husband happy is equally so. But economic problems and the anxieties produced by these, in times of economic slowdown, become more and more acute. Anxieties and problems that are always reflected in the behavior of he or she in the family who administers and makes ends meet.
Think about it for a moment, if you are very worried about your economic situation, this worry will follow you everywhere, even during your quality time with your partner. Time that will no longer become quality time until it becomes nonexistent.
And after some time your partner will go looking for this quality time somewhere else. And you will end up being the second tier partner and usually end up breaking up.
Have you seen that loop? Money problems that become sex problems that become family problems. Complete destruction.
Of course, the description is overly simplistic. One cannot describe in totality the issues in a relationship and the various facets that each of us has that change behavior within a couple, but in broad strokes this example is a good picture of what happens.
What to do to avoid this?
When you have economic anxieties and issues, talk to your partner about it. He or she needs to be aware of the problem and understand why you are behaving a certain way. It may not be the easiest choice, but at least he will know that he needs to start cutting unnecessary expenses.
Explaining economic mistakes and errors is bad. Our egos will always suffer but heck, reality is reality and if you want to solve problems you must first accept that they exist. Dealing with problems and stress together can prevent ‘misunderstandings and destructive or self-destructive behavior.
Having an emergency fund, large enough for a few months of survival, is always a good thing, and those who do not have it always take a risk that I find exaggerated.
A little available liquidity always makes sense. Especially now.